Walking into Mass again after being away can feel both familiar and overwhelming. If you have ever thought, “I want to go back to church, but I feel nervous,” you are not alone. You may remember the prayers, the rhythm, the standing and kneeling, the quiet moments—but still wonder if you really belong there. I know that feeling. My return to the Catholic Church was not sudden or polished. It was slow, imperfect, and full of starts and stops. But looking back, I can see that God was patiently walking with me the whole time.

Staying Connected, Even From a Distance

Even though I was not confirmed in tenth grade, I stayed connected to the Catholic faith in one way or another for nearly 29 years, until I was confirmed through RCIA—now called OCIA, the Order of Christian Initiation of Adults—in April 2017. I know that is not everyone’s story. Some people return after years of complete distance from the Church. Others never fully leave, but drift quietly to the edges. What many of us share, though, is the nervousness that comes with coming back.

I got married in the Catholic Church. I worked for a few years at the parish school where I was married before eventually landing in corporate America. I would occasionally drive the 15 miles to my parents’ parish in Oakdale and attend Sunday Mass. Mostly, though, I was what the priest who later confirmed me called a “C&E Catholic”—someone who comes to Mass at Christmas and Easter only. At the time, I was not ashamed of that. My faith simply was not at the center of my life. I was newly married and trying to live life on my own terms, without much help from God—or so I thought.

Turning to God Only When I Needed Him

I would turn to God in my most desperate moments, often bargaining with Him. Within the first year of our marriage, my husband and I faced a difficult personal situation from the past. At the same time, my mom was diagnosed with uterine cancer. I remember praying, “God, if You get us through this, I promise I will change.” But when the crisis passed, I did not follow through. I went back to living as though I could manage everything on my own.

Raising Children Catholic While Finding My Own Way Back

When my daughter, Kaitlyn, was born in 1999, I was still mostly a C&E Catholic. Even so, I knew I wanted to raise my children Catholic and give them a foundation in the faith. I wanted them to have a fighting chance to be grounded in the faith I knew deep down to be the way, the truth, and the life. So we had Kaitlyn baptized at six weeks old at my parents’ parish, where I was now a member.

During maternity leave, I took her to Sunday Mass. She would sleep so peacefully through most of it, and for a short time, I thought maybe I was finding my way back. But after I returned to work six weeks later, I convinced myself I “didn’t have time” for Mass. I slipped back into my old pattern. Later, attending Mass with a toddler who had not grown up going every week became even harder. Her independent spirit often meant we sat in the cry room, and I felt more distracted than prayerful.

When Kaitlyn was three, her brother, Ian, was born. I knew I wanted him baptized too, so once again, when he was six weeks old, we brought him to the Church for baptism.

Sadly, even these beautiful and profound moments of baptism did not lead me fully back to the Church. I was still running. It would be several more years before I stepped into a Catholic church again with any real consistency. In June 2004, we moved to Cottage Grove. I became a member of St. Rita’s and enrolled Kaitlyn in faith formation when she was in kindergarten. Ian was still too young at the time and would begin faith formation three years later, when he entered kindergarten in 2007.

Going Back to Church When Mass Felt Hard

Even then, we did not attend Mass regularly. At that season of my life, Mass felt cumbersome and overwhelming. My husband is not Catholic, so when it came to raising the kids in the faith, I often felt like I was doing it alone. Ian would sometimes end up lying in the pew—or even under it—and Kaitlyn would try to mother him, which only added to the frustration. I felt embarrassed that I had brought my children to Mass and they could not sit still for an hour. I felt as though every eye was on me, instead of remembering that we were in the presence of Jesus. Rather than asking God for help, I slowly stopped going to weekly Mass again.

Still, my children celebrated their First Communion in second grade and Reconciliation in third grade. They continued attending faith formation. It was not until Kaitlyn entered middle school that we returned to Mass more regularly, but even then, it was mostly during the school year. Summers felt too busy, and I often chose to let the kids sleep in rather than fight to add one more thing to the calendar.

The Quiet Pull Back Home

Slowly, something began to shift. I started attending the monthly parent sessions held during Wednesday faith formation while my children were in class. I began learning more, and with that learning came a desire to go deeper. My mom had a peacefulness about her that I longed for. My own life felt chaotic, as if something important was missing.

So I began attending weekly Mass again. And to my surprise, I felt at home. What I had spent years running from began to feel like the very place where I belonged. Each week, walking into the sanctuary felt like receiving a gift that had been waiting for me all along. By 2016, I sensed a clear calling to return fully to the Catholic faith. I signed up for RCIA—now OCIA—and in April 2017, nearly 29 years after walking away from confirmation as a teenager, I was finally confirmed.

If you are thinking about returning to Mass or coming back to the Catholic Church after years away, please know this: you do not have to have everything figured out before you come back. You do not have to feel confident, perfectly prepared, or free from questions. You can come back nervous. You can come back messy. You can come back after years away. The Church is not a place for people who have always gotten it right; it is a place where Jesus meets us, heals us, teaches us, and welcomes us home. My return to faith was not perfect, but it was powerful—because God had not stopped calling me, even when I was not ready to answer.

Reflection: If you have been away from Mass, what is one small step you could take this week to begin walking back home? Maybe it is visiting a parish website, attending one Sunday Mass, reaching out to a Catholic friend, or simply asking God for the courage to begin again.

You are not alone on the journey back—and there is always room for you at the table.